I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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