listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
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