"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
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