You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
