Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
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