I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
