If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Go christen that room with your naked body.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
