Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
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