just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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