I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
