Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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