i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
