i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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