I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Randomize
