He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Randomize
