Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
