I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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