I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
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