youre lurking in front of me
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
