I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
Redeem this text for a blowjob
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
