nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
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