So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
