Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
