the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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