It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Randomize
