Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Randomize
