You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
