Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
