Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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