i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
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