Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Randomize
