this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
