apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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