I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
