How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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