I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
the new term for farting is butt boxing.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
