I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
