Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
