New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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