New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Randomize
