I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Randomize
