I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
