Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
How naked do you want me to be?
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
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