drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Randomize
