I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I wish i was in the wii world.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I deserve this hangover.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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