I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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