i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
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