I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Randomize
