Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Randomize
