I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
