sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize
