yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
