Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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