I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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