god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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