We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
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