Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
