Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
